Typical Conversations: Strange Panties

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Not the panties in question.      (c) Peloponnesian Folklore Foundation

A few weeks ago I got home in the afternoon and started doing the laundry. As I was throwing clothes into the washer, one of the socks overshot the machine and went down between the wall and the washer. I grabbed a broom and fished it out, and along with the sock I found a pair of lacy black panties. I threw both into the washer without thinking and hit the start button and walked away.

That evening I folded the clothes, and put Rina’s on her side of the bed. About an hour later I was in Henry’s room and she came in looking serious and said, “I need to talk to you about something.” And thus we began another one of our typical conversations.

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Nature Tried To Eat Me. Again.

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The most vicious wild animal ever. He looks tired, but believe me, he was flexing for a surprise attack…

You may remember that nature tried to eat me about a year ago, and while that might have been a small over-exaggeration, the most recent episode of When Animals Attack (Matt)! just happened for real, because as as we all know, nature finds a way*. Continue reading

The TSA Said I Have a Huge Dong

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My TSA scan. Probably.

Recently, I had occasion to travel from northern California to San Diego for work and on the way back I booked a flight with a coworker. We’d gotten an early start back and drove together to San Diego International airport for the trip home, dropped the rental car and made our way into the airport. As we were heading toward security, I went through the usual drill of stashing my phone, wallet, belt, glasses and watch inside my carry-on, getting my laptop out and slipping my shoes off.

Now, you may not know this, but different airports have slightly different security rules about certain things than other airports. For example, at San Jose laptops had to be in their own bin, but iPads could stay in your bag. Also, my hair gel went through the scanner just fine in San Jose, but coming back in San Diego the TSA either didn’t like the look of it, or was having a bad hair day and needed some product so they stole mine. Continue reading

Mobsters Tailored My Suit

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This is a real-life, honest-to-God photo of me…

TL;DR – I’m pretty sure a well known suit chain is run by the mob.

I recently ordered a suit, and as usual I waited longer than I should have, in other words until the last minute. I’m not going to name the store for fear of retaliation (why this is possible should be come clear as you read), but let’s just call it “It’s-Not-Women’s Large-Building-Used-To-Store-Things.” I ordered the suit on a weekend and after I did I realized I wasn’t happy with the suit in that I really prefer pants with cuffs on the bottom. The truth is that my preferences in clothes tend to run a little “old fashioned” anyway. I like suspenders, pants with pleats and cuffs, and although I wore them long before they became trendy in computer circles, fedoras. I own and actually wear two-tone spectator shoes. But only between Memorial Day and Labor Day because I wasn’t born in a cave. Continue reading

Eating in the Dark

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This image has nothing to do with the story. I just like looking at it.

I got into a discussion recently about a restaurant that’s completely dark and you can’t see the food being served.

Friend: On an unrelated note have you ever eaten at Opaque?

Matt: Um no. Do I need to?

Friend: Oh it’s closed now. It was a restaurant where it was pitch dark you could not see in front of you at all.

Matt: What?!

Friend: So you would order in the lobby. Then they would take you back and everything would be served in darkness.

Matt: Yeah, no, call me old school, but I wanna see that stuff before I eat it.

Matt: That’s stupid.

Matt: Rina would steal my food.

Friend: I never went there, but I’ve heard it was highly sensual experience.

Matt: Let me guess, “You enhance your taste sense by not seeing it?”

Friend: One guy I know said his date leaned over and kissed him unexpectedly and it was the best kiss he’s ever experienced.

Matt: That’s not a highly sensual experience in the dark.

Matt: IF IT WAS HIS DATE.

Friend: Could be the waiter.

Friend: You. Don’t. Know.

Matt: I can see how this would go…

Rina: “That was amazing”
Matt: “What was?”
Rina: “Never mind.”

Matt: Surprises in the dark are never good. Sorry.

Friend: You are acting your age now.

Friend: Where is your sense of fun and adventure?

Matt: Honey, why do you have a beard?

Typical Conversations: Lasers

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My 3-watt laser hitting an Oreo cookie. For science.

Warning: Nerd Alert – if you’re not into science and the skillful application of lasers to burn, burst, or melt objects you may want to skip this chapter.

I’m very fond of all things science, but especially lasers. I got my first one when I was about 14-years-old, and over the years, my interests in lasers only grew. For a while I even worked at a company in southern Arizona that made an array of laser scanners for military, industrial and commercial uses. In fact, when the space shuttle Challenger was destroyed due to cold O-rings, my company got a phone message from the contractor who built the solid rocket boosters, Morton Thiokol, inquiring as to whether we could build a laser flatness detector (more properly a laser interferometer), which works by the same mechanism that creates the holograms like on your credit cards. Continue reading